When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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