My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
