Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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