Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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