do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
