i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
cat food counts as protein by the way
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
