remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize