so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
