If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
