hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
