Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
