I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize