this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
