you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
