She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
