When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
