i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
