I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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