Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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