He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
