Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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