Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
