Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We're too hungover to prance.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
