Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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