I skipped work to stalk him.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
