i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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