Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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