you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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