i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
