I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
