giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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