how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
