Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
