omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
