Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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