I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
