the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
