Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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