Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
