using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
