I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
