I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
