I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize