I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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