I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
