i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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