You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
