Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
