One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
