After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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