Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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