just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
