if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
