you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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