Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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