no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Holy sore nipples Batman
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
