I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
