I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
