Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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