Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's never too late to be topless.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
