HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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