somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
